It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
