Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
