doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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