Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
