I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
