I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
