I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
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