I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
