capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i think i have herpe
just one?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
