ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
operation have a gay friend backfired
Everything about him screamed your future.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
