Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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