Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
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You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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