If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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