I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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