I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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