Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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