My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Randomize
