I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
