Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
