sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Why can't burritos get me drunk
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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