she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize