I just threw up on my dentist
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
