Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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