This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
