i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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