In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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