Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
