My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
