My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
