my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
