You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
