He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
