Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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