I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
