hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
