If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
