see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
