dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
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