So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
