The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
