Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
