Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
