Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
