Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
