Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
