we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
