omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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