You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
