I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
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