upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
