I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
