Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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