he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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