if you like me you must not know who I am
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
