i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
