I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Randomize
