why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
