Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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